I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
