so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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