I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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