no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
