I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
