Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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