ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
