Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
