This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
