We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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