you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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