I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
