Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
