Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
