spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize