my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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