happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
