if you like me you must not know who I am
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
