just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
