I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
