Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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