Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
