just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
