the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
