Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
