I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
