Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
