Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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