Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
