I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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