even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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