Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
