my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
