david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
