Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
