last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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