Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
