There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
