i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
