Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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