That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Dating After Heartbreak
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I licked your asshole in confidence.