Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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