What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
