just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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