I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
