can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
