I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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