i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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