someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
