My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
