After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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