i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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