Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
