I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
