She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I haven't been this sober since birth.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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