He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
