I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
