dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
