I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
