I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
