it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
