I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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