Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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