Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
