Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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