oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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